So, things have been going pretty well in my life as far as keeping my head above the water goes. If there’s anything I have my mom to thank for it’s knowing that barely passing is all you need to pass, so don’t sweat it. I’m 600 dollars in debt to her, and I’m working every night of the week a closing shift when I have school at 8 in the morning every day, but you know what? I’ve got my rent already set aside, I’ve got my classes starting on monday, I’m in college, I’m going to be just fine. I even have someone who’s going to lend me the text book :)
Alex is really wanting to help me, and as nice as it is, it’s really strange to me and I don’t want to rely on him, especially to help me with money. It’s hard enough to deal with my mom giving me money because I know there’s always consequences to that, but Alex and I have just started dating, him handing me hundreds of dollars so I can go to college is the most noble and stupid thing I’ve ever heard. It’s sweet, but the last thing I want is to make this way too serious too fast by including money in our equation; it’s okay to me when he buys me dinner, but my future is my own responsibility, not his.
Erin and I are having our first fight… I think? Orientation day I was shown everything I could ever want and the whole time I was stressing myself about how I was going to get the money to afford it, I’ve never really been in such a fantastic and angry mood in my life before. It was like two sides of me were combatting about which emotion was supposed to take hold, the sheer awe that all of that wonder was at my fingertips, or that fury that I would, and will still put myself in debt to just graze the surface of all I want to do in my academic career. Then comes Erin, who I haven’t talked to in a week and a half, and who has seemingly talked to everyone but me over that week. She said to me, ” Are we meeting up at four still?” And mean while the orientation leader is going on and on and on, like long winded actors tend to, and I respond with ” I don’t know yet.” And she says to me, ” Well I need to know if I’m going to drive all the way out to that side of town.” Read as, in my mind, ” If I’m going to waste my time to come see you, I need to know when to be there.”
Angry, because 1: I’m busy beating myself about finance, and 2: She’s never had any problem with meeting up with me on a whim until that moment, I tell her she might as well not come then. She just says okay. I assume we’re both equally angry at each other because she was stressing me out and I decided to be a dick. I took some time to realize that given that I miss her, and I haven’t talked to her in a week, and that’s more important than my misguided irritation with her, I made the effort after seeing Snow White and the Huntsman to text her, just to talk and gain up the courage to say sorry. I didn’t have enough time, so I quickly mentioned it, that I shouldn’t have acted that way, and that I was sorry, and that we ought to make new plans. The response to this was, ” Uh yeah. Sure.” Now given that this is Erin, these are the two ways I heard this message. ” I wasn’t even mad at you… Stop being stupid.” and ” You think that just apologizing to me over text is cool after ditching me? Whatever, not good enough.” So reiterating that if she was still angry with me we didn’t have to hang out was the best I could do when I wasn’t exactly sure what Uh yeah, Sure even meant. She hasn’t texted me since then and Alex offered to talk to her for me, but is that really necessary? I don’t think so- she’s my best friend. I would be mad if I was her, and I said sorry, so I know that if I give some space, maybe things will be okay soon. I don’t need Alex to play note passer. I would call this our first dispute because this is the first time that Erin has made me angry in which I’ve lashed out at her for it. There are times, and I’m sure there are times for her, but we always tend to set aside differences and get along really well. I love Erin, she loves me, so it’s not a bad first argument I think. Hopefully she won’t be mad at me for long.
Between school, work, homework and sleep, this week is going to be all stress for me, but I’m going to be making money, getting good grades, breathing the inspired air of LSU campus every morning, and focusing on the most important thing right now- my future. I tested out of french one ( I only studied for four months isn’t that crazy! I’m so proud of myself) and I’ll be taking a math class, but once I meet with the counselor next week we’re gonna see about this pell grant business, about me being an instate student next semester, and about what classes I want to take for the fall. Full time student; that’s gonna be me. God, I could not be more terrified, and yet more thrilled.
-Rio
So today Alex has gone literally from ’ you’re so great you’re so wonderful yap yap yap heart heart heart ’ to replying to my texts as shortly as he can in some pretend fight we’re having about me telling him that if he doesn’t like sleeves he shouldn’t wear them. Isn’t that…nonsensical? I feel weird just writing it. I think I’m going to not text him for the rest of the night, I’m going out tonight with my friend Frank and I feel like maybe he needs to calm down a bit. I wonder a bit, why he’s so into me- I’m so completely different from his usual, and that’s probably a good thing for him but it’s not very often that people choose what’s good for them over what’s familiar to them, you know? He assured me the other day that he found me attractive, and he also asked me to be his girlfriend, which I said yes to, but I find it just… very curious, and I’m still trying to keep myself reigned in. I don’t want to fall for him, not yet. I want to keep being just simple, and having fun, and not caring until I’m sure this isn’t a rebound he is in denial about. I don’t want him to get tired of me and have it hurt me when it happens, if it happens.
I know it’s a bit paranoid sounding, but I also feel like a lot of my friends are passing judgement on me for dating Alex. I didn’t instigate the conversation- and I asked him several times if he was sure that was what he wanted; being his girlfriend isn’t going to make me roll any faster into feelings for him, but it seems like no one really cares or approves that I’m with him. I asked my friend Erin what she thought of it, and she simply said she was happy for me, which says a lot to me given that she didn’t ask how it happened, or how I felt, or anything at all. Grant won’t respond to any of my texts about Alex even though at one point I was looking for him to reassure me beyond my worries about my appearance, and everyone else just seems to recall that five months ago he fucked me over, and all the sudden (like it wasn’t five months ago) I’m head over heals for him when correction: I’m not. It hurts my feelings a little. But I know what I am doing; I know how I want things to go and how to control my actions, and even if I don’t have people to approve of me, I can only do what’s best for me. Right now, I’m happy to be Alex’s girlfriend, even though he’s acting weird today- and I’m happy to be just his girlfriend; not in love with him or super into him or anything like that. He’s just a nice boy to be around. Is that wrong? Isn’t that how its supposed to be?
-Rio
So; last night was a great deal of fun, and as great as it was I’m kind of curious how things will be between Alex and I after being so drunk and pretty much making out his whole birthday. I told him I wanted to move slowly, and I intend to try and keep it that way given that I only act like a mega-sexbot when I’m inebriated; but I don’t know exactly what he thinks about it. It takes a lot of maturity in me not to question his every move and worry and be like ” Oh no, what if this is going to be some type of used up tissue moment between us ” because honestly the thing I would suspect from a guy like Alex is to get bored of me after me laying my cards on the table like I did.
I mean, he’s spent the whole week with me, and we just had this talk about wanting to take our time. I won’t really blame him if he changes his mind about me, honestly. I’m such a slutmobile when I’m drunk, and I can either accept it or be ashamed of it, and I’m not going to waste my time acting like I don’t have a good time being a slutmobile and I have some reason to let that weigh on my conscience. He invited me to his birthday dinner; we’ll see how that goes. Meeting the family; I feel a little…weird. But… We’ll just see, you know? The world is never contemporary anymore to me, and I’m at a point in my life where I’m okay with figuring out what I find acceptable. But I’ve gotta get back to business after all this love nonesense, and get into classes. French exam in 9 days. Well shit.
-Rio
So; today Alex and I spent time together again, and like I thought I’m having to put full blown breaks on this relationship that’s moving really fast. He gets so close so quickly and I don’t really know how to stop him when the conflict of interest for me is I want him, but I want to make sure he wants me. I want to make sure that he’s not choosing the easiest route. He talks to me about the girls he has all over him all the time, and he told me today he didn’t mind it at all, that he liked the attention, and I wondered to myself you know, if I was just another person who gave him attention and not something more than that. I don’t want to let him wrap me around his finger again just because he likes that I like him. I want him to choose me. So today when he wants to hold hands and lean on me, and pet my hair and hug me, I really just am caught up in allowing it and trying really hard not to reciprocate too much, because I don’t want him to get what he wants out of me and then run off to get it from some other girl. I like Alex a lot. I wish it wasn’t this complicated, he likes me, I like him, it should really be that simple but it’s not, and while he’s trying to rush forward, I am reigning myself in at every moment. It’s not like we’re dating anyone, if I wanted to kiss him, it’d be okay. If I wanted to date him, it’d be okay, but I don’t want to be the one to make that choice alone. I want him to want me for me, and not for the attention I give him. He wants to spend all this time with me, and he wants to be near me, and he wants to hold hands with me and stuff…but I can’t tell if its me, especially, or if any other girl can really illicit this out of him. Today when we were saying bye he hugged me really tightly, and seemed really reluctant to pull away… I wish it was simple and I could have just kissed him goodbye after.
I want to be his girlfriend.
-Rio
